


Emotions

by can_opener



Series: Friendship [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Just Friends, M/M, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 10:43:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5202887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/can_opener/pseuds/can_opener
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Too much compassion and affection can wreck a person up, destroy everything around them, and go back to the squarest one."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Emotions

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, thanks to fewisnotonfire for being an amazing beta.
> 
> Also I uploaded this on my phone. I may edit some parts of this, when I get to log in a computer soon.

Amidst the laughing children, happy families, and lovey-dovey couples, Dan Howell stood as the unusual one. The only one who always wear himself in black, didn’t have a companion, and the only one unsmiling in a happy park. The skies were the prettiest shade of blue. The flowers were in full bloom, and the trees were the greenest shade that Dan had ever seen. Though the picturesque park was something many would kill to go to, he found no beauty nor held interest in it. The flowers were just flowers to him, and everything else that comprised this beautiful park was bland. He felt no hurt nor sadness. Neither joy nor regret. 

Eyes drooping, he focused his stare on a duckling nearby. It doesn’t look like a duckling though. Dan was sure it was a young swan. He looked at the bright blue skies above, his mind running a million miles per hour. Dan could hear laughing at the distance, but he minded them not. Though he knew the laughs weren’t directed at him, it still hurt his pride. No one could be as happy as they were when all he was feeling is numbness at the best, heartbreak at the worst.

Dan’s phone rang. It was Phil calling, but Dan paid no heed. No, he was not in the mood for this. But when was he ever? He was just being a friend for friendship’s sake. He didn’t even consider himself Phil’s friend. After all, what kind of friend has more-than-friendly feelings for his other friend? It seemed illogical to him. Yet what did he know about being illogical, when falling in love at Phil was an unwise and illogical move in the first place.

It had happened on the most unexpected of places; in his house. Dan solemnly watched the drama as tears spring out on Phil’s eyes when he learned that he could never be with the man he loved. I wish I was the man you love instead, Dan thought. The sight of Phil crying was tearing him into pieces. He was suddenly engulfed with the thought of being the one whom Phil love. He knew it was dangerous. He knew it was one-sided, but when did Dan ever listened to anyone? Friends all come and go, saying his infatuation was hopeless, but Dan waved them all away with an unconvincing smile. All of this bullshit while thinking that Phil was better off with him. While dreaming of his dear Phil in his arms.

The ringing subsided, and a voicemail soon emerged. Dan tapped the screen of his phone to unlock Phil’s message, thinking of what he has to impart this time.

“Hey Dan, are you free today? Maybe we could go to the café near the park. Let me know if you’re available, yeah? Stay safe Dan.”

Dan liked to think Phil was asking him on a date. A date where all of his feelings would be unveiled and he would ask Dan to be his boyfriend. Dan would always imagine that he would reply a sarcastic answer, as his way of saying yes. Then they would kiss and people would cheer on them and they’d walk home holding hands. Dan liked to think Phil would do that with him, not caring about the harsh reality behind his words. Not minding about the circumstances at all. He texted Phil that he was alright and a coffee would be fine, and he’d meet him in five minutes’ time. Still his eyes were drooping, from lack of sleep. Still everything was boring to him. But his heart wouldn’t hear that. Especially when he was meters away from the only thing interesting in his eyes.

A man with raven hair, who was waiting outside the café, his fingers typing away on his phone in a hasty fashion. To Dan, the stars would kill to shine themselves on his raven hair that reminded him of starry nights they spent stargazing, when life was in its chill, and the spirit of closeness was shared. His fair skin reminded Dan of the fresh snow that would crunch under their feet and form into balls for the snowfight that they wouldn’t want to miss. 

He spotted Dan’s eyes and his eyes had an expression of relief. His blue eyes reminded Dan of the sea near to his home. Forever alluring and enticing that would excite his senses. His cherry lips were curled into a wide smile, and Dan fought the urge to kiss him.

“Daaaaaaaaan,” He dragged Dan’s name out, making him chuckle.

“Phiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil,” Dan also dragged his name out, making Phil roll his eyes. They shared a laugh at that, and proceeded to enter the café, arms linked like little girls walking home while talking about how awesome their sleepovers would be. But that’s who they are, little girls trapped in a six-footer-guy’s body. Many would mistake them as a couple, and Dan was usually the one to bat it all away, and Phil would say nothing. Not a word of denial, nor a word of confirmation. Dan liked to think that they were together, hold hands under the table, and kiss each other’s noses. Dan liked to think of that always, because he was not the one Phil loved.

When the rain would come down, Dan always imagine Phil cuddling him. Pulling him closer while drifting away to dreamland. Dan always imagines things. Dan liked to lay in bed at night thinking of Phil. No one but Phil.

“Phil? Dan?” A questioning voice emerges, and their bubble was burst when Phil stiffened, and Dan clenched his hands under the table. No, not now, he thought. But who was he to think about that anyway? He was just a mere being, after all.

“Hi Lloyd!” Dan gave Lloyd a cheerful smile. Too cheerful to be considered real. But anyone never saw that. Phil’s pretty face had turned white, but Lloyd’s eyes were still smiling, unaware of everything around him.

“Hi Lloyd, what are you doing here? You never usually come here.” Phil remarked calmly. Dan wanted to smack Phil in the face. Why does he always think Lloyd will love him back? Can’t he see that Lloyd is now engaged and his wedding will be tomorrow? He knows Phil was a fool. Like Dan can talk, he was the bigger one of the both of them. A fool who thinks everything has a chance, a probable reason why he still holds on. Too much compassion and affection can wreck a person up, destroy everything around them, and go back to the squarest one.

Lloyd said we wanted to get out of the house. He said he was very excited to be married tomorrow, to Edwin, that he can’t do a simple housework properly. Lloyd said he was going to out to explore the park more. Dan and Phil said their congratulations and goodbyes to him. Both insincere, for different reasons. Dan wanted Phil. Phil wanted Lloyd, but in life, you can’t get everything you asked for. You can never get everything even if you try hard. You can never get everything even though you wanted them. Just like that, it shattered their worlds. No words escaped their lips, for the silence was enough. 

It wasn’t until the wedding day that Dan couldn’t take it anymore. Lloyd was married to Edwin. They were invited. Everyone was happy, but Dan knew Phil wasn’t. They both left the wedding early, and Phil lead their way to the nearest club where he could drown his heartbreak with alcohol. All this time Dan listened to his woes. Truly Dan understood him, but sometimes, he wished that Phil was in love with him instead. In that way, their hearts wouldn’t be broken because Dan loves Phil very much. Much more than any quantitative or qualitative measurement could measure.

On the midst of his drunken haze, Phil smashed his lips to Dan’s. They both poured their emotions to the kiss that could’ve lasted forever. Their emotions were endless in a empty room where their clothes are shed, and taking all their feelings out to each other, because when you are blinded with your emotions, you are bound to do everything without a pinch of regret while doing so.

And Dan liked that because he knew Phil couldn’t love him back.

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Raffael, and also to myself. We changed a lot since we fell out.


End file.
